Sometimes the one who saves needs saving too…
‘You d be fine’
I hate it when June says those words. ‘Nki, you d be fine. You always got this’ I don’t want to always get this. Why do I always have to get it?
I grew up a perfectionist. I couldn’t fail. The only time I got second when I was in primary school was in Primary 5, second term. My teacher called me by the side and told me I was becoming playful. It was just a 0.5% difference. Still…
He told me to stop teaching my classmates and that if I wanted to be the best, I needed to be selfish. Why would I be selfish? I wondered. I wished I listened though. Not because being selfish at that point matters but because my lack of putting myself first has brought me to ruin…
Anyway, back to my story. I always loved to help others. I taught people in school. I made people laugh when they were sad. In fact, people started seeing me as I was trained — a perfect person.
‘Nkay makes no mistake’ ‘Nkay can do that’. My life at home was rotting away. My siblings didn’t really like me or maybe at a point they did. I don’t know. But in school, I was seen as a goddess. Everyone relied on me for so many things. Thinking about it now, it is so crazy.
I always thought my problem with hyperindependence and being the strong friend started from my uni days but now that I am writing this, it started way before that.
Anyway, in uni, I wasn’t fully the strong friend. I was the mentally ill traumatised friend. But in all my wetted bed of tears, failed/foiled deaths, loneliness and penury, I grew to become the strong friend. I gained a level of understanding based on my own woes that I didn’t want others to experience that.
If I was soft before, I became tender. I always wanted people to be happy. I loved helping others. I just didn’t want them to face what I faced. I slowly added the tag ‘strong’ to my already hyper-independent life that I had no choice crafting…
But …..
Sometimes….
the one who saves
needs saving too….
Sadly for me….
The ship sailed.
I could be dying, rotting in me and try to ask people to help but they d never take me serious. Its almost as if people overly high expectations for me blurred their eyes to see when I am slipping away. Or sometimes, I feel like they know but they are jealous and want me to slip away.. I don’t know
I just know that I am always left alone to navigate my problems and struggles cos… ‘Nkay can do it all, right?’ (sigh).
‘Nkay doesn’t have feelings cos she is strong.’
I mean someone led me on and threw me off balance afterwards and maybe that is what he thought too… Who knows?
But really, the one who saves needs saving too.
We often look up to the strong ones. The caregivers, the leaders, the friends who always show up. They’re the first to comfort others, the first to take charge when things fall apart. They become the pillars we lean on, the ones who supposedly “save.”
But what happens when they start to crumble?
….‘I never knew she/he was dying silently’
Times without number, we hear this said after the supposedly strong friend dies. But, just what if.. what if, we listened and didn’t assume.
We romanticize strength and resilience but forget that even the strongest hearts get tired. The one who listens to everyone else may have no one to talk to. The one who motivates the world may lie awake battling self-doubt. The healer may be bleeding in silence.
Anyway, my ship for people’s ‘pity’ and ‘concerns’ has sailed a long time. Just people that either see me as invisible or hate my existence. Whatever the case is, I really don’t care.
But for those who might have ‘strong’ friends, please check on them. Don’t wait for cracks to appear. Offer them what they’ve freely given others: presence, kindness, and support.
Because sometimes, the one who saves needs saving too.
Tchel 🌹
