The 5 Stages of Grief

Kalu Nkeiruka
4 min readApr 16, 2024
The 5 stages of grief

Grief is the intense pain we feel in our heart after a loss. When Kuber developed the 5 stage of grief, it was about losing a loved one in death but death is not the only thing that brings grief and pain. The loss of a job, a friendship breakup, sudden life’s disappointments and relationship woes all bring grief to the heart.

Personally, I have grieved about 4 times in the past 3 years and I can tell you for a fact, it doesn’t get better. Even when you are at the last stage, acceptance, a part of you will still feel like a piece of sh**. But one thing is certain, you will survive.

So, what is the 5 stages of grief?

Denial

‘Maybe I am overreacting. They might just be busy’

Grief is overwhelming. It’s normal to pretend the loss or change didn’t happen. You are perfectly normal to react this way.

Denying allows you absorb the loss for processing. Denial is a defense mechanism your mind set for you to reduce the severity of the issue.

When I lost my job, I thought it was a joke. The day before the news, I had a meeting with the team. It was pretty normal. The crazy part was that I just closed my laptop from the day’s work and went out for some fresh air. My denial stage took 3 days. I looked miserable.

As you move to the next stage, the emotions you have suppressed begin to rise. You tried to compress your sorrow so now it’s overwhelming. In some moments, you burst.

Anger

‘They would pay for what they did to me’

Anger is a masking effect. It hides the pain and emotion you have been carrying. You become angry with the other person or anything related to the other person. Your feelings become too intense and you act irrationally.

I felt bad. Why do people ghost me all of a sudden? I hope someone pays them back with their own coin. No, I didn’t just hope. I prayed someone paid them back. Then they will regret their actions.

Anger may present itself as bitterness but not clear cut rage. The truth is not everyone will experience anger. Some might suppress it. In my own case, I was angry in most cases but not all. In the end, when your anger subsides, you start to see things from a different light.

Bargaining

‘If only I kept quiet, maybe they would have stayed’

Grief makes you helpless. You start to feel like you could have salvaged the situation. In the bargaining stage, you will keep bringing up statements like ‘if only’ and ‘what if’. Bargaining is a defense mechanism. It helps you postpone the hurtful feelings and confusion. You start to think you could have done better.

I laid on my bed that night, feeling confused. What if I am at fault? What if there is something wrong with me? Maybe I am a curse or something. If only I didn’t bite more than I can chew, maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation. Just maybe, things wouldn’t have changed.

Depression

‘What is the essence of living when I am a bag of nothingness?’

Depression is the quiet stage of grief. This time, you are not running from your emotions. They are with you and can either make or break you. In this stage, you can choose what to do and how to get better. But remember, depression is not easy. It is overwhelming. It is confusing. It can get very messy.

I tried taking myself out to make me happy but nothing happened. My mind was blank. I could stare in the ceiling for hours and not think at all. I started forgetting things, names, and places. I was better off dead or maybe I am actually dead and I didn’t know. That didn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. I was just in an emotional limbo.

To some, depression might be a last stage of grief. However, seek help if you feel this way. Talk to a therapist to help you move past this stage.

Acceptance

‘I will find a way forward. I always do. This is no difference’

Acceptance is not always an uplifting grieving stage. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel the pain of the loss. Rather, it means you have understood what it means in your life now.

Acceptance changes how you view things. You become different and you may lose some things like trusting others or placing hopes on people. But acceptance makes you know that there will be bad and there will be good. The bad may overshadow the good but you will always survive.

Really, this was for the best. I can focus on my personal growth and start new ventures and that is what I did. I opened a new Instagram account and started my own writing and marketing agency. I even tried to create a website (epic fail tho!) but its the efforts that matter. Today, I am focused on working freelance and having free time for other stuffs.

There is no hardest stage in grief. It all depends on who you are. The duration doesn’t matter too. My longest grief was three months, shortest was one week. Yours can be different.

Remember, we are unique in our own ways. Some people may not experience all stages of grief, others do. It doesn’t make one special and the other inferior. If you know you need help, seek help on time so you can cope better.

❤️Tchel

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Kalu Nkeiruka
Kalu Nkeiruka

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